My first love

Holding the invitation of Valentine's Day party I felt nostalgic.The theme of first love somehow took me back in those lanes where I lamented on my destiny.

In the party we were supposed to share our 'First Love's experience.I started to pen in my diary

"I'm not an emotional kind of person neither I was a decade ago.Mine was an arranged marriage planned by my parents.Rishabh was quiet nice but it took an year for both of us to open up.I always questioned myself if I love him whenever we made love.But I guess you need not to actually love that person before sleeping with him.

After eight months of my marriage I was stunned to see those pink lines on PT kit.Rishabh handled my morning sickness and other household chores as my first trimester was dreadful.Then gradually I started feeling the life within me.My joys knew no bounds when I saw him during ultrasound.How strongly I craved to hold him,to kiss him...To cuddle him.I started knitting sweaters and buying tiny clothes.With each day I was falling for someone I never met..Just felt.I rarely talked to anyone as I remained busy with my thoughts.I blushed with the idea of holding him close to my bosom,feeding him.

I was in tears the day I got the first kick.I used to touch my belly frequently as feeling him was an eternal bliss.I began painting the walls of my room for my newly found love.Most part of my day was spent dreaming about him.

The unexpected jolt came when I suffered pain in lower abdomen.I thought of visiting my gynaecologist the next day but that night I had severe bleeding.I wailed loudly in the bathroom.The bleeding didn't stopped neither my tears.I knew I lost him.Next day the doctor cleared my womb.The whole process didn't hurt me much as the sight of the pieces of flesh in the tray incapacitated me.Those were bits of my dreams,pieces of my first love,part of me.I was shattered both mentally and physically.Even though I conceived again after an year but had a different feeling.Afterall First Love can't be explained,can't be experienced again.

But my first love taught me to get attached,to dream,to love.What I never learnt in my whole life those magical six months taught me.I discovered the sensitive part of me."

Suddenly a drop of tear fell on the page spreading the ink ,diluting my sentiments.I came back to present as my eight year old came hugging me from back, "Guess who's this,mumma?"

"My love, my baby."I held him in my arms closing the diary.

©Dr.Shweta Prakash Kukreja

November2020