Hopeless!!!!

It really doesn’t mean, if I am quiet and misbehaving I want to hurt you or anybody, it can be maybe I am just hurt somewhere inside and seek your help. I can really not feel it, what am I up to? Is it really what I want or maybe I should stop? I have degraded myself to the moments, I should have asked for patience! I have lost myself, I feel so empty sometimes! It is so bad, whatever I feel! As if I am inhaling emptiness. I am not okay! I am really not! I am becoming worse!

It’s been almost a year, I have been sitting in a dark room, which I have constructed inside myself! Well, it is darker than a dark night with no moon and stars and electricity. It is making me numb and dumb after almost six different suicidal thoughts, crying for several hours, dancing with a smile to feel better, yelling in front of mirror, watching the photographs hung on wall, eating nothing, I am sitting on the roof top. The scene is beautiful, it is evening, the sun has set and I can see Moon in the west direction, the saffron colour mixing with blue, I am using my phone searching for a number to call upon, so I can call and feel free.

You see, people think if only you are sad inside and it shows up on your face for more than 24 hours, it is depression. No, it is not, there are different kinds of depression. Sometimes I feel like dying and the other day I want to feel the colours and the light. Life seems to be different from different opinions.

One day I am optimistic and the other day I don’t want to get up from bed. I spend hours waiting for myself or for a hand of help. It is very hard to realize either, I have a life and I have to live because I am alive.

The only thing I’ll love to share is life is easy, but those thoughts in my head makes it hard.